Is Now The Time To Panic?
Warning: This post is going to suck!
I wish I had better news but I don’t, I have cancer…again.
I knew in my gut that it was going to be bad news and I walked in ready and bracing for the confirmation. Unlike the first time, when I was oozing positivity almost to the point of being annoying and then I got the wind kicked out of me. No, this time I was almost certain before I got there that I would be starting down this road again. There was no shock. There was no kick. It just all sucked.
So, is now the time to panic? I don’t even know what to do. Panic. Cry. Sleep. All of the above. The PET scan showed definite glowing on my neck as well as in my thyroid which is causing more concern and questions from my oncologist as well as a few other “spots” that he’d like to look into. But as he said, lets deal with one thing at a time. First thing is a thyroid cancer test in a couple of days. Then I’ll see a head and neck specialist, who will also do the surgery to remove (also called a biopsy) the offending lump in my neck to be tested and typed. Yeah, another surgery.
IF it’s the same type of rare lymphoma I had last time then they know exactly how to treat it except he’s already planning on changing up the treatment plan I had last time, due to how fast it came back. This part does not make me happy at all. He wants me to do both chemo and radiation this time as opposed to just radiation.
I feel betrayed. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel lost.
At this time, we’re not telling the kids. I want to know what the plan is for the coming months before I decide whether to tell them. The hard thing about this recurrence is that the kids are all 3 years older. 3 years more aware and 3 years more sensitive to how mommy and daddy are doing. I might not have the option of NOT telling them, especially the older ones.
I hate this.
I don’t want to be anybodies “sick mommy” or “friend with cancer” or topic of conversation that ends with “well, at least my life isn’t as bad as hers“. Which is precisely the reason I didn’t tell anyone (save for a few key people) the last time I went thru this. t woke up this morning regretting the fact that I published anything about my health because I am now faced with having to publish (shitty) updates and I really didn’t want to have to give anyone bad news. So sorry about that.
So that’s all I have for today. Literally and figuratively. I’ve been immobilized by sadness since I left the hospital on Friday morning and just writing this has taken me all day.
If you’ve stuck around to the end of this post, thank you. I’ll do my best to update you as things move along, which I expect them to do quickly now.
Love you all.