My Dirt

Is Now The Time To Panic?

Warning: This post is going to suck!

I wish I had better news but I don’t, I have cancer…again.

I knew in my gut that it was going to be bad news and I walked in ready and bracing for the confirmation. Unlike the first time, when I was oozing positivity almost to the point of being annoying and then I got the wind kicked out of me. No, this time I was almost certain before I got there that I would be starting down this road again. There was no shock. There was no kick. It just all sucked.

 

snow capped mountains and road

 

So, is now the time to panic?  I don’t even know what to do. Panic. Cry. Sleep. All of the above. The PET scan showed definite glowing on my neck as well as in my thyroid which is causing more concern and questions from my oncologist as well as a few other “spots” that he’d like to look into. But as he said, lets deal with one thing at a time. First thing is a thyroid cancer test in a couple of days. Then I’ll see a head and neck specialist, who will also do the surgery to remove (also called a biopsy) the offending lump in my neck to be tested and typed. Yeah, another surgery.

IF it’s the same type of rare lymphoma I had last time then they know exactly how to treat it except he’s already planning on changing up the treatment plan I had last time, due to how fast it came back. This part does not make me happy at all. He wants me to do both chemo and radiation this time as opposed to just radiation.

I feel betrayed. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel lost.

At this time, we’re not telling the kids. I want to know what the plan is for the coming months before I decide whether to tell them. The hard thing about this recurrence is that the kids are all 3 years older. 3 years more aware and 3 years more sensitive to how mommy and daddy are doing. I might not have the option of NOT telling them, especially the older ones.

I hate this.

I don’t want to be anybodies “sick mommy” or “friend with cancer” or topic of conversation that ends with “well, at least my life isn’t as bad as hers“. Which is precisely the reason I didn’t tell anyone (save for a few key people) the last time I went thru this. t woke up this morning regretting the fact that I published anything about my health because I am now faced with having to publish (shitty) updates and I really didn’t want to have to give anyone bad news. So sorry about that.

So that’s all I have for today. Literally and figuratively. I’ve been immobilized by sadness since I left the hospital on Friday morning and just writing this has taken me all day.

If you’ve stuck around to the end of this post, thank you. I’ll do my best to update you as things move along, which I expect them to do quickly now.

Love you all.

 

Comments

  1. Jody says:

    Love you too!!!
    Jody recently posted..Say Hiya to #HIYAMy Profile

  2. Ashley says:

    Prayers for healing, hope, and peace. <3

  3. Tara Page says:

    Tiffany, I wish there was better news. I really wish I could change this for you. But so you know, you will NEVER by my SICK friend or my friend with CANCER. You will always be and are my FRIEND. You are my friend because I really like you. I like what you say, I like how you act, I need your fashion advise (you know that for sure!). You will always be my almost twin mommy friend. We get the crazy of having four amazing girls for kiddos. You are my friend who I look up to for your courage, your strength and your determination. You are my friend who I will pray for, and help out whenever I can. So please don’t worry about being ‘that’ friend, because all of your friends know you are our dear friend for 100% different reasons, all the reasons that make you unique, and loveable and you! Hugs Tiffany, expect a text from me this week, I’m going to pull you out for a break.

  4. Cathy C says:

    I don’t know what to say that doesn’t sound silly or cheerleaderish, but I really wanted to say something, anything to let you know although I don’t know what this feels like, or can imagine how hard this must be I am thinking of you. I am sitting in a corner far away from you doing a little give’m hell cheer. Crush this thing in the dirt under your feet cheer! Give me a “F” Give me a “U” …..
    Cathy C recently posted..I’ve got this in the bag! Tote-ally Fabulous Bags to Help You Get a Handle on #HolidayShopping!My Profile

  5. Lisa says:

    I am here. And I will hold your hand down this shitty road. And it will all be well.
    I love you.
    xoxo

  6. I love you so much. You’re not alone, friend. So much love.
    shannon fisher recently posted..Blog Tour 2014My Profile

  7. Belinda Horvat says:

    Hi Tiffany, that really is awful news. I’m sorry you have to go through it again. I feel sad too. You have great friends and you are not alone, please lean on every one of us! Much love and tenderness to you, Bel xo

  8. Hillary says:

    I’m so sorry you received such horrible news. I know what you mean when you say you got the wind knocked out of you because I experienced the same thing. I was told numerous times that I didn’t have cancer (both because the odds were slim and because my biopsies came back clear.) When I was finally diagnosed, after six months of positivity, I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I’m sorry that you’re struggling and I’m sorry that you’ve been thrown back into the uncertain world of stupid cancer. One thing I want to warn you about is the curse of the “good” cancer. I’ve been told many times by many different people (including a few medical professionals) that thyroid cancer is the good cancer. It really caught me off guard the first few times it happened. I wish someone had told me to expect it because I would have shut that shit down pronto 😉 No cancer is good cancer! Sending light your way. xo
    Hillary recently posted..It’s Just HairMy Profile

    • Tiffany says:

      Thanks for the note. I’m sorry you’ve experienced similar things. Sadly the possibility and testing for thyroid cancer would be second type of cancer to the type they’re re-testing me for right now. I previously had a rare form of lymphoma and we’re hoping for the same type and that it hasn’t mutated to another more aggressive type of lymphoma. I agree. No cancer is a good cancer.

  9. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, Tiffany. I know we’re not super close, but I do want you to know that as a community, we’re behind you all the way. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything. I know this fear and frustration, not to mention betrayal. <3
    Lindsay Dianne recently posted..The RBC #AvionVIP Holiday Boutique in Coquitlam CentreMy Profile

  10. Laura says:

    Oh no, I’m so so sorry to read this and will be praying for you and your family.
    Laura recently posted..Washi Tape Stemware LabelsMy Profile

  11. Jennifer says:

    Well Fuckity Fuck.

    Happy to be part of the comic relief team, the scream patrol, the adventure rangers, the kleenex lenders (well you can keep those..:) whatever you need. I don’t think of you as my friend with cancer. I think of you as my awesome killer girl Tiff who is secretly everyone’s stylist and totally knows how to have the BEST TIME EVER…

    We love you to bits with a helping of Fuck Cancer on the side.

    XO
    J

  12. Sending you so much strength and positivity. xox
    Fariha @canadianmomeh recently posted..#QuesadaHomeEdition Meals to Go @QuesadaBurritos #Review #TwitterPartyMy Profile

  13. Tara Wilson says:

    I have been thinking about you all day Tiff since I read this. My phone wouldn’t let me comment, and I also wanted some time to think of the right thing to say. Well screw that…there is no right thing to say. Screw cancer…leave my friend alone. You are strong and full of fantastic energy – but it’s okay to have help with that, so thank you for sharing this and letting us give you support. I love you.

  14. Erica Ehm says:

    I am so so terribly sorry to read this Tiffany. I am sending you ALL MY STRENGTH. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know (seriously).

  15. Tarasview says:

    oh Tiffany – I am so so sorry. There really are no words.

    If you need a shoulder you know where to find me but just know I am sending every bit of positive healing energy I have your way.

    xo
    Tarasview recently posted..Mabel’s Labels Stylish Scholars Combo reviewMy Profile

  16. Jo-Anna says:

    Love you Tiff. Anything you need please reach out…people want to help. You are not alone…you can do this. F@ck Cancer! xoxo
    Jo-Anna recently posted..Grey Cup RecipesMy Profile

  17. Sending healing thoughts and hoping that while this is a horrible road to revisit that the end result is positive. Having lived with a mom who’s had cancer three times I can tell you that it affected me as a kid, but not in the way you would expect. It made me closer to my mom, it made our family closer and it always has reminded us to tell the ones we love everyday how important they are. Thinking of you.
    Kerrie @ Family Food and Travel recently posted..Australian Road Trips: Fun in the OutbackMy Profile

  18. Sara says:

    Oh, Tiffany. I’m sorry. I’m sending so many warm thoughts in your direction.

  19. paula schuck says:

    I am sure you don’t know me but I wanted to send you hopeful thoughts and positivity and light. This sucks. There aren’t any words that sound right. I am super sorry this is happening to you. I am sending strength and hope for positive outcome.
    paula schuck recently posted..Voloom Hair Volumizing Iron #TMMGG2014My Profile

  20. Jackie Gillard says:

    I am wishing a treatment process as easy as is possible for you, with a full recovery/remission. Fingers crossed, prayers sent, strength and positive vibes all coming your way.

  21. Aneta Alaei says:

    Tiffany, I won’t lie this post has left tears in my eyes and I know you must be going through hell yourself. I am sending you lots of strength to get through this next part of your life and positive vibes to help you on days that just seem to be taking forever. Hugs and Kisses
    Aneta Alaei recently posted..World Prematurity DayMy Profile

  22. Louise says:

    As a fellow member of the Blissdom community, I send you my best wishes for a full recovery and a manageable road getting there. We are all cheering for you.
    Louise recently posted..TALES OF A MISBEHAVING THYROIDMy Profile

  23. Patty says:

    Hi Tiffany. I’m sorry to hear this news. You are larger than life and you will never be the sick friend with cancer, you are more than that to so many people. You light up the room and make people laugh, you did for me at Blissdom. Sending you strength for the hard days, hugs for the tired days, laughter for the shitty days, warmth for the cold days, perseverance for the long days, and hope for every other day. Know that although you walk this path alone, there are many, many footsteps behind and beside you. Much love to you.
    Patty recently posted..Experience The Joy of Mex with Quesada’s New #QuesadaHomeEditionMy Profile

  24. I suck at small talk and avoid elephants in room. I do, however, come from a long line of women who use inappropriately awful humour to cope with stress (When my mom was having seizures we were joking in the ER that she’d make a great vibrator for an elephant…)

    So my promise to you – aside for all the prayers in the world – is that anytime you need to loosen up the anxiety, have a good laugh, or just really need a good dose of comic relief I’m there. Hit me up on Twitter @shoeboxbegone.

    OH… Fuck Cancer!
    angele @shoeboxbegone recently posted..Too Young for Old Lady LipsMy Profile

  25. Sending you love and light and lots of unicorn farts to kick cancer’s ass to the curb, again.
    Julia Gabriel recently posted..Skylanders Trap TeamMy Profile

  26. Katie says:

    Ugh. Tiffany. I’m glad you shared this time. And you are way too cool and multifaceted to ever be anyone’s “friend with cancer.” You’re my friend with the sweet tattoos, the kick-ass blog, the fantastic hair, and the amazingly cute kids. And you’re going to beat this again.

  27. Jenn Perry says:

    After reading the comments, it’s clear you have so much love in your life and while that doesn’t make this any less sucky, I hope it will top up the meter in the happy part of your brain to give you little breaks from the sad part. My advice, definitely surround yourself with friends such as Angele because the vibrating elephant comment had me literally LOL’ing and I am a huge believer that laughter is required in all circumstances, even the worst of them.
    If I was nearby, I would give you a giant hug so instead I will send you one virtually and hope that it makes it to you with all the extra strength I can possibly send your way.
    xoxo

  28. Lisa @ Fab Frugal Mama says:

    You don’t know me, but I saw this post and had to let you know that I’m sending good vibes and positive thoughts your way. You are a strong, brave woman and you will get through this. From one mama to another… sending hugs.

  29. Lesley says:

    This news sucks. No, that’s no the right word. Sucking for for rainy days and holes in your stockings. Your diagnosis is horrible. But I don’t want it to be you, to steal the joy in your heart and the smile from your face. Never be afraid to reach out to us, your peeps. Tell us what you’re feeling. We have strong shoulders. Tiffany, I wish you the strongest of spirits in this darkest of times.

  30. Peggy says:

    I’m so sorry to hear your news Tiffany but talking about it (and trying to keep your sense of humour) does help. This I know from personal experience.

    My husband’s colon cancer metastasized to his liver this year and it was such a kick in the nuts. You get through it once and just start to relax and blammo, you feel like it was all for nothing. Emotionally, it was harder to deal with the second time. I think a first diagnosis really puts you into shock – the second time you have a better idea of what’s going to happen which is not necessarily helpful.

    You are so strong!! You did this once and can do it again. You’ve got dozens of crazy Blissdom cheerleaders in your corner!! Sending lots of love and healing vibes your way.
    Peggy recently posted..fun shotMy Profile

  31. Sandy says:

    There really are no words, Tiffany, except to say I’m sorry to hear you are going through this…again 🙁 I truly wish you all the strength you need to get through your treatment and come back stronger than ever. Concentrate on yourself and your family. Don’t worry about updates unless you want to – we all understand if you don’t feel like it. Share with those you are closest to and they can help pass the word on. The last thing you need to worry about is updating everyone. Take care hun…we are all rooting for you!
    Sandy recently posted..Garant’s Scratch-Free Snow Brush – There’s Snow Brush Like It! #Review #GiveawayMy Profile

  32. Huge hugs and strength and love! I am so sorry to hear this and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  33. Glad you shared too. We’re all here for you (even though that really doesn’t mean much right now). You are a rock star…you got this. F%CK the big C. Thoughts and prayers your way.

  34. Ann-Marie says:

    What crummy news. And to digest it twice, after already winning, recovering and dealing with it once, this is simply unfair Tiffany. I am so sorry you are going through this. My dad in fighting lymphoma right now and I’ve learned a lot about the LLSC and the Team in Training program. momstown has several groups running and working with TNT and we will add you to our list of who we’re running for and who we send positive vibes, karma, prayers – whatever you want – your way. Stay Strong. xo

  35. Elan Morgan says:

    I’ve been thinking about you all weekend, trying to think of what to say, because I want it to be the right thing, but there is no right thing. Cancer sucks. I’ve been there. All of us survivors dread exactly this, and I want to wrap you up in safety that makes this all go away.

    If I am saying the wrong things, you know my heart is right behind the words.

    I’m with you, Tiffany.
    Elan Morgan recently posted..I’ve Started Colouring to Help Me Breathe and Not Die of a Heart AttackMy Profile

  36. mara says:

    Thinking of you always and everyday, and sending you positive energy and all the good thoughts I can muster. You’re a strong woman. You beat it before and you will again.

    m.
    mara recently posted..Everyday Fancy: Mushroom Chicken BalsamicoMy Profile

  37. Sending you enormous amounts of love and healing thoughts. xo
    Deva Dalporto recently posted..The Gratitude TrickMy Profile

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