1. You will have a stick up your ass – At around 36 weeks the doctor will tell you she wants to do a strep B test by swabbing your lady bits but what she won’t tell you is that she also needs to swab your poop shoot! Thankfully it’s only a q-tip and it’s very quick but damn, you gotta warn a girl before you knock on the back door.
2. You’ll shit the bed – During labour there is a very good chance you will piss yourself, shit your self or puke on yourself and it will all be a part of the glorious experience of childbirth. God bless those labour and delivery nurses who smile and rub your leg and tell you it means the baby is coming soon. No shit, that’s why I’m here!
3. You’ll be told you can’t have drugs – If you’re planning on even the remote possibility of getting an epidural, make sure you ask for it earlier than later. I had the unfortunate experience of not getting drugs for Stella’s birth. Brent has lovingly described the look on my face when the doctor told me it was too late as my “wild animal” face and a very terrified, “wwwwhhhhaaaaattttttt????”.
4. Your boobs will become small planets orbiting around the crib – Breastfeeding hurts (at first). Seriously, I thought engorgement hurt more than giving birth. My boobs were the size of watermelons on steroids, I’m not even kidding. Thankfully the pain and swelling only lasts a few agonizing days and then things settle out and you can cancel the milk man for the next 8 months or so. And then when the baby has a longer than expected nap, your boobs will inflate like life preservers making it impossible for you to nap when the baby naps. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed breastfeeding but I could have done without the over inflated tire feeling.
5. Your hair will fall out – When your hormone levels start to even out again post delivery your body will start shedding hair like a husky dog in July. It’s hard to believe you could have anything left after a shower or two.
6. You’ll have to buy new shoes – Some women experience growth in their feet during pregnancy. I would have been so pissed if I gave birth and 3 months later decided to go out for an “adult” night and got all excited to get dressed up and dust off one of the 50 pairs of heels that I hadn’t seen in a year only to discover that they don’t fit anymore! Y’all better back on up. Mama’s about to blow!
7. You’ll have to buy new boobs – Seriously! Hear me when I say this…Start saving now! Your boobs will NEVER be the same. (see #4) The only way I can describe the post baby, post breastfeeding boob situation is a baseball in a tube sock. You’ll lose volume, structure and you’ll gain about 6 inches on your nipple circumference. Oh the joys! But ladies, have no fear we’re all in the same boat or sock. sigh.
8. Eventually, you’ll be the happiest you’ve ever been in your entire life.
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